ramblings

Some deeper thoughts often lurk beneath all the surface joy and day to day life. Thoughts about single parenting, birthparents, attachment, transracial adoption, Chinese heritage and racism to name a few. They linger in my day ....daily. Often I read, contemplate and murmur about the realities of our day to day life. I had no conscious idea before I adopted AnnaLeisa where our journey would bring us but I knew deep in my heart it was a "true" calling. We have been deeply blessed and I know this in the depth of my soul.

I also know the delicate care involved in parenting a child whose story is based in grief. To tell the truth with loving honesty and to constantly reassure her that I will never leave. That our relationship is forever. That I love her deeply. It is the one fear all adopted children face.... to again be abandoned. This fear is in AnnaLeisa's play and in her facial expressions daily and cannot be ignored.

I couple this knowledge with the love of life and to share this with AnnaLeisa without ruffles but with a deeper mystery that is pervasive. I know to live this, not in words, but in how I live and how I act in our life. Even in the most devastating moments of parenting to let this be the truth.... that we are human and with flaws. None of us are exempt. And that is good.

I think in these times of spirituality ... and this has no concrete answer either....

I could sing the praises of my girl into the forever sky and there would be no end. To the depth that this journey has provided and to how my heart has broken countless times only to be bigger and then broken again. By the simplest of moments that crack and crack one's ideas so deliciously.

I tell AnnaLeisa I love her everynight and I say I love her "ten times ten times ten into forever" and in that is a truth that we have yet to comprehend. It is vast and large and permanent.

I only ask for continued support from dear friends and from those with greater knowledge than I......

Once as I held AnnaLeisa I felt my heart expand around us both and we were one... surrounded by a sphere of completeness

Once and that is enough...

Here is a photo when we first returned from China and then us more recently
to be continued.....