ramblings

Some deeper thoughts often lurk beneath all the surface joy and day to day life. Thoughts about single parenting, birthparents, attachment, transracial adoption, Chinese heritage and racism to name a few. They linger in my day ....daily. Often I read, contemplate and murmur about the realities of our day to day life. I had no conscious idea before I adopted AnnaLeisa where our journey would bring us but I knew deep in my heart it was a "true" calling. We have been deeply blessed and I know this in the depth of my soul.

I also know the delicate care involved in parenting a child whose story is based in grief. To tell the truth with loving honesty and to constantly reassure her that I will never leave. That our relationship is forever. That I love her deeply. It is the one fear all adopted children face.... to again be abandoned. This fear is in AnnaLeisa's play and in her facial expressions daily and cannot be ignored.

I couple this knowledge with the love of life and to share this with AnnaLeisa without ruffles but with a deeper mystery that is pervasive. I know to live this, not in words, but in how I live and how I act in our life. Even in the most devastating moments of parenting to let this be the truth.... that we are human and with flaws. None of us are exempt. And that is good.

I think in these times of spirituality ... and this has no concrete answer either....

I could sing the praises of my girl into the forever sky and there would be no end. To the depth that this journey has provided and to how my heart has broken countless times only to be bigger and then broken again. By the simplest of moments that crack and crack one's ideas so deliciously.

I tell AnnaLeisa I love her everynight and I say I love her "ten times ten times ten into forever" and in that is a truth that we have yet to comprehend. It is vast and large and permanent.

I only ask for continued support from dear friends and from those with greater knowledge than I......

Once as I held AnnaLeisa I felt my heart expand around us both and we were one... surrounded by a sphere of completeness

Once and that is enough...

Here is a photo when we first returned from China and then us more recently
to be continued.....

play time....

Thought I would capture some recent images of AnnaLeisa and I in our life at home. We often do not have our photo taken together so these are a smattering of many. They show our little home, Lola, and some friends. Life is full good and sometimes more than a little challenging! I love sharing our life with those from afar and with those who care about our life and how we are doing....
for those who do not have a chance to correspond I do know that you check in regularly......

we send our love and affection and thank you for being in our lives....

No Story of AnnaLeisa is complete if Stones are not mentioned.....

AnnaLeisa soothes herself with stones. Particular stones; cool, round, smooth, and the size of her fist or larger. She uses them instead of a blankie and they are her comfort. She rubs them all over her body and includes every web between her toes and in all of her fingers and softly around her face. She can suck her thumb at the same time but often I find her only with one stone... that is until it is warm and then it is recycled with another cool one; or should I say cold one. On occasion she has touched me in bed with one of her new ones and I am startled as if with an ice cube. She rolls them on the side of her eyes, on her warm belly and is even known to roll all over them with her back!
Quite the phenomena to sleep next too!

So I have included a photo of her side of the bed where she keeps her favorite stash. They are everywhere including the carseat, in my purse, in my pockets, in finding spots all over the house including in a brass pot by the TV. Sometimes she just turns around in bed and sticks her feet under her pillow so she can massage them all at once. Or while watching TV she will dump them all out of the brass pot and sit on them ...

She will want them urgently when she needs them and everyone in Daycare returns her stones to her quite promptly, all the children are quite kind with returning the precious gems to AnnaLeisa.

In winter I am known to dig under snow while we are on stone hunts and often we come home with new dirty bundles to wash in the sink.

I had no idea we would be so connected to stones and I do not know the link for her but I so remember after our first cold winter here I picked up a stone in the spring and said "look honey a soft stone, you can take it and rub it on your cheek and it is so soft and smooth...."

As if I did that on a regular basis?!!

So there it is some kind of tactile, kinesthetic comfort that I admire and love.

Recently she told me that she will not use them when she is big...? I think someone said it at daycare? I quickly corrected her to let her know she can always have stones as friends.. no matter how big she gets. That they never ever have to go anywhere.....

we love them

I think they are real grounders....